Facing Fears
I’m not the most naturally inclined to think in an optimistic fashion. I have experienced a lot of opposition to my ideas and dreams. I’m sure it’s easy to assume otherwise, from the outside looking in. This may sound strange, but it’s been a process to establish an understanding of what ‘good’ felt like for me. Heck, I am still trying to figure out the feelings that feed me belly aches. Have you ever hurt so badly that it made you sick? That’s actually how I found my love of plants.
There’s an undeniable opposition for me to allow myself to indulge in the things that bring me happiness. But I am a stern believer in boundaries and rules and rewards. I think a lot of this comes from the way I was raised. My mother is the daughter of a Catholic school teacher. Yes, one of the ones who would slap across the knuckles of young children because they talked back in a way that seemed offensive. Now, I don’t defend that type of behavior for anything, though we do need to acknowledge these aggressions, their origins and the acceptance/tolerance for abuse through generations, because we are still learning how to be better. We will return to that later. But my catholic regime is based less in faith and more in learned behavior and unfortunately, it rarely lended me with the benefit of the doubt. This lack of luck sustained a future of anxiety and pessimism that could be described as ‘a healthy does of reality’ but it wasn’t benefitting anyone. So I recently unsubscribed to that ideology and chose a new path. One where mother nature rules.
My first and favorite of significant memories with plants were the black caps lining the property of my first childhood home. We’d take dixie cups with a healthy spritz of whipped cream out to the field borders and fill up. I loved it. Dessert outside, what could be better? I loved roses as a little girl too. They are so full of magic. When I went through some challenging times later in my childhood, that magic dwindled for a moment so I lost my interest in the outdoors to tragic self harming behaviors. Control came to me, ironically through food. I used my figure to fight the pathways laid in front of me. If I looked this way, I’d be given great fortune. It’s a privileged girl’s way to cope, nonetheless it became mine. I transferred from one eating disorder to the next over the course of 6 years starting with anorexia. Through my struggle to control the sweet and savory sensations that once nourished me, I void myself of feeling through food and I starved myself of even the mildest forms of pleasure.
The next interest that connected me once again to the flora was a series of health issues I struggled with as a teen. I tried eating health foods and organic foods and using herbal remedies to heal what ailed me. I caught mononucleosis as a teenager and wasn’t quite the same after, likely because the eating regimens I undertook weren’t equipping my systems with adequate nutrition. I found many things to be helpful and the world of natural foods felt slightly rebellious and even a little conspiracy driven at times. But the quirkiness intrigued me and the culture felt like home. So many intelligent and dedicated people living their lived devoted to creating credibility to their craft; be it herbalism, dietetics, superfoods, etc…
I have this fear that I will be seen as inauthentic. That my failure will be to my own fault. I struggle. Every day with the choices I make. I doubt myself in high doses. People don’t get to see that side to be inspired by…So I decided to start to share my story to help people get to know what I think about being a business owner, a mom, a woman, a partner, a farmer, and so much more. With that I am hoping to merge these two sources of comfort on our property, Goodmaker Acres. Where we will have a small batch and seasonal menu filled with fresh food from our farm. Preserve, our soon to be bar and restaurant, will be open on the weekends: Friday through Sunday. With herb infused spirits and handcrafted syrups to sip on, our restaurant will suit anyone’s farm to table fancy.
Right now we’re building a small orchard just behind the restaurant to stroll through while you wait for your seat. This fantastic fantasy is slowly becoming real for us and we are wondering what it will be like to have our first full seated shift at the restaurant. Growing things and sharing them with friends and neighbors is what we want to do. I want to feed people the health happiness I couldn’t feed myself.
To me, being a Goodmaker isn’t making perfect lunches every day or some kind of photographable tradition… It’s finding the good where it isn’t obvious and making it grow so that you can share it with others. I want to be a good person. I am trying to be a good person. For myself, for my kids, for my family and for you. I want to share my space with others to create a community that cares for others and themselves.
Experience is the teacher of happiness. Time offers us the opportunities to dance with boundaries, communication, self-expression, validation and so much more. Some may find the lessons are learned fast, and some find it painstakingly slow. But in the end we see that there’s a perspective bestowed upon us to believe that we can control with deep thought and action. With a lot of self- work and intention… We are creating Goodmaker Acres.