Early Bird & The Worm

We started sowing seeds early this year. Too early. Who knew that was a thing? Last year we got a late start so this year I decided to plan ahead and create monthly seedling bags. Each bag represents a month’s planting material with each of the seeds being organized by sow date in relation to the last frost. Well, I recently read the farmers’ almanac and I grossly over estimated my planting times. So here I am learning patience once again despite my efforts. Being first may increase your chances of success, but being present pays too.

It reminds me of the time I was in the hospital. When you admit yourself into a mental institution, you go through a series of processes to diagnose and place you properly. We went to the emergency room and were immediately separated and questioned. Once eventually deemed safe, my husband and I were reunited and guided to a bare white room. “SI watch,” is what they called it. People with Suicidal Ideations get put into a room with a watch nurse. because they’re not safe. I didn’t want to kill myself. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t deserve that bed. That’s the thing about a PMAD (perinatal mood and anxiety disorder) they make you feel things that aren’t real. Thoughts are not things. Thoughts can be shaped by beliefs. And many thought patterns are formed in youth creating what we know as the conscience. I learned all of this in my group cognitive behavioral therapy groups. I spent 2 nights in the SI watch room. I don’t fully remember everything about it. I remember the stark white walls and the discomfort of having people treat you like you can’t be trusted. Origami spoons and foods you can eat with your fingers because sharp plastic can become shrapnel used to create wounds. I remember my paper pant suit that was 5 sizes too big and would hang off of my thinned out frame. The things I recall most fondly are the visits I got from my husband. He was my rock through all of this. He fought to get me the best care he could find while taking care of our three kids and caring for our farm in my absence.

I made a mental note. That felt good. I was on the right path to finding something that felt better and it starts with honoring my relationship and cherishing the moments we have together. I’d start right there and then to make sure I was the earliest bird. Making it to the mental health finish line was my goal and this naivety would numb me just a little longer. But the intention and effort would carry me forward, a little closer to peace.